If I told you I missed you, would you care? If I told you I couldn't live without you, would you be there? If I told you I could be your everything, would you give me a chance? If I told you I could make you happy, would you give me the perfect romance? If I told you you're the only one I think about, would you keep track? If I told you I loved you...would you love me back?

Friday

Broken ..

To someone, I know u will read this.

Broken…Here I am on my knees. Living with my broken heart. My mistake was believing that someone would be here with open arms to catch me as I fell. Instead I hit the floor shattering into a thousand pieces of nothingness. Where we’re you when I needed you most? I look back and I see that I changed who I was. I thought I needed to be something different. Something that you would be proud of. I’m not going to lie to myself and say it is entirely your fault. Because that wouldn’t be true. I changed willingly over time. I thought I had to change who I was. I thought in doing so that it would bring you closer to me. I thought that maybe then you would take notice of how much I’ve grown up. And maybe then you would put your arms around me, holding me in that warm embrace. The one that makes me feel safe. Didn’t you ever ask yourself why I hugged you so much? Why the affection? Did you believe that I did it just for attention? Or to be playful? Because I will tell you now that those weren’t the reasons behind it.

I did it because I wanted you to hug me back. Because you we’re one of the very few that I ever felt safe with. You looked in all the wrong places for the answers to why I did it. You over thought it, looking for a deeper meaning that wasn’t there. The answer was staring you in the face. You couldn’t know how many times I wanted to run to you. To ask you to hold me. There was so many times I wanted to call you, as I sat there crying. Overwhelmed and alone. Needing someone there. To have someone wrapping there arms around me and telling me that I didn’t have to go at it alone. When those times descended upon me. My thoughts turned to you. I would reach for my cell phone, opening my phone book and looking at your name. My thumb hesitating over the send button. But I never could do it. I couldn’t find the courage to call you. I guess a part of me always knew that you wouldn’t catch me. I could call you when I didn’t need you.

I know I should have had others I could go to. You tried to tell me about how others cared for me and that I should try to talk to them when I had problems. But how could you expect me to go to others when I have trust problems? How many times now have I told you that I have trust problems? I was never like you. I couldn’t simply just talk to anyone about anything. I’m reserved and quiet. That I trusted you so much should have told you something right there. That you became important to me. That I could love you so much without being in love with you, should have told you everything you needed to know. Every time I fell I looked towards you for direction. In my heart I sat there with open arms, waiting for someone to embrace me. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I found the pain of being alone becoming unbearable. It was a force that was crushing my heart. Can you see now what you mean to me?

I hug myself. Because there is no one else to do it. I grew up feeling alone, being the odd man out. I started craving attention. I wanted others to see that I lived. I wanted people to take notice that I existed. I waited and waited to see if there would be someone who would look upon me. But when the people who did pay attention to me decided I was a tool for their amusement. I felt a sense of despair welling up inside of me. I looked at the world and saw no beauty. Instead I saw people who would hurt others for their own personal gains. The world stared back and I could only find myself saying “Fuck you!” if this is how it was going to be I decided I didn’t need anyone.

Seeing such actions from others led me down a road that I didn’t wish to travel. A road that I found to be empty and neglected without care. Walking along this road, I found myself losing what I was about. I sacrificed what I thought was unnecessary. I did what I had to do in an attempt to cut off the pain that was flooding my heart. Instead I only made things worse didn’t I? I pushed away any hopes of living a life that came with love in it. Wasn’t asking for someone to be in love with me. I didn’t ask for a lover. I did ask for someone to notice that I was hurting. I was slowly self destructing without realizing it. This was a request that fell upon deaf ears. For so long I’ve looked for comfort. Maybe that is why I let myself open up to you the way I did. Maybe I thought that you would be someone I could turn to. That maybe you would be the one to mend the hole that was in my heart. I can see now that I placed to many wishes upon you. The fondest desires I had we’re to much.

That is what I found in you. The one person who is here. The one who gave me that gift. You asked why I always came to you when I got hurt. I couldn’t give you that answer. If you could see me now, I might be able to finally tell you why. To tell you the reason that I came to you. I came to you cause I knew that you wouldn’t have turned away from me. I came to you cause I felt safe in your presence. You made me feel like I was something more than trash by the side of the road. You looked at me and saw someone who could me more than what they were. You saw a person and not an object that was meant to be used by others. When I saw you. I saw someone who I wished to protect. Someone who I came to love and respect. You came close to touching my heart.

I changed so much. You influenced a lot of those changes. Sometimes I thought to myself. I love you and I hate you at the same time. I loved you for everything you did. I hated you for the way you knew me so well. I couldn’t hide anything from you. I was an open book before your eyes. Now I lay here broken into so many pieces. Believing that you were going to be there to break my fall. But I was wrong. You weren’t there. I fell and I don’t know who to blame. Is this the cost of believing in you? Or the result of my desires for comfort? As I look back at the past few years of knowing you. The constant thing I see is that you and I are similar yet different. You asked so many questions in an attempt to understand what I was about. But those damn answers were always before your eyes. I didn’t pretend to be deep. I wasn’t about something else than what I showed. I’m actually quite simple. Surprisingly you still haven’t figured that out. Now I am afraid that it is to late for you to see that. For now I am broken.

I hold my cell phone to my heart. One hand covering the other, in a vain attempt to hold on to the hope that you will call. I might be broken. But I wish to have hope. That we can reach out to one another before it is to late. Before my dreams come true. And I find you missing with no signs of your return to my life…


 
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